Yang berikutnya...

Hm...selepas Azman, nothing much happend in that year.

In form three, i started falling in love with someone. started feeling the jealously, the hunger for attention, and of coz kebahagian bila berada di dalam dakapan seseorang yang kita sayangi...or was it just suke? lust?

Kehidupan di form three completely different. More freedom although in that year i had PMR.

Azlan...

My gay experience in form three started with Azlan. Nope, tak la hensem mana pun. sweet. it all strated when one night he came and menggomol badan aku like a man having sex with a girl. It was just a short while and he left. But because of that incidence i started feeling best, to have a close physical contact with man.

The other night, aku tak dapat tidur. Nafsu yang membuak buak. That time we were using double decker bed. Azlan katil bawah, and aku bahagian atas. That night, setelah begitu sukar untuk tidur, aku turun ke katil bawah, dan duduk di gigi katil Azlan. Azlan terjaga dari tidur, dan terus memberi ruang untuk aku baring di sisinya. Aku baring....dan Azlan terus menggomolku seperti seorang lelaki menggomol seorang perempuan. well...it was only gomol. No kissing, even kissing di leher. Tetapi aku dapat rasakan keranya penis Azlan menujah nujah celah kangkangku, sehingga Azlan terpancut. Dan aku juga terpancut hanya dengan gomolan Azlan.

Najib...

Aku tak pasti kenapa, atau bila, but the reason i stop having gomol gomol session with Azlan is because aku pindah ke bilik sebelah. Dan...di bilik sebelah, it started with Najib, budak Form six atas. Three years older than me. well...i didnt enjoy at all with him. Oh, that time it was an exam week! PMR trial exam week. Cara Najib, Naji always wake up early in the morning untuk study. Dia akan datang ke bilik aku, dan akan menindih nindih badan aku like people having sex. tthat's im ok with...but one thing that i didnt like, bila Najib dah terpancut, dia akan melancapkan aku sampai keluar.And...dia akan ambek my cum and wipe it at my mouth. Of coz, aku mengelak..tetapi kena la jugak...and of coz, that time i dun like the smell...the stickyness, i just dun like it. And with Najib, it was by force. I dun like him...at all. Tak taste...memang tak taste, and ganas! as a matter of fact, i kindda hate him for doing that to me. But, i cant make it stop. Pernah one time..when he came, aku bangun and pergi tempat lain. When i came back, he still there..waiting for me...You may ask, orang lain tak perasan ke? i dont know....i dont know whether they know what happend, and just ignoring it, or diorang bebetul tido and tak tahu? Yang aku tahu...masa tu aku tak pernah ambik tahu, i dont bother thinking it....i just too naive chasing the fun of having that kindda sex. With Najib, banyak kali jugak la...cant remember how many times.

Anuar...

With anuar, it was sweet and simple. I think it happend one or two times only. It all started one night when we all gathered together and listening to scary ghost story. When it ended, in the middle of night i pretended i cannot sleep. Anuar offered me to sleep in one bed with him. And... it happend, as always.

And the last person, the person that means a lot to me. That made me crazy. Yang aku bebetul suka..yang until now, aku masih tak lupa the time that i had with him, his touch, the way he hugged me, the kiss, everything.... his name is Mahadzir......

Zaman Sekolah Menengah...

Aku sekarang telah berumur 30 tahun....30 years old...sudah terlalu ramai lelaki yang bersilih ganti dalam hidup aku. Seriously too many i had slept with. But yet..there are so many men, but yet so little time! hahaha. Aku pernah cuba menyenaraikan semua lelaki yang pernah aku terlajak, atau aku sengaja lajakan...ternyata ramai..sampai aku tak sanggup untuk teruskan. Lelaki dalam hidupku sekarang? Nanti aku akan coretkan di sini...But now now. Sekarang adalah masa untuk aku revisit all the memories...walking down the memories lane....

Zaman sekolah menengah divided into two parts. Aku bersekolah di dua sekolah yang berbeza. One is co-ed school and another is boys school. Both are boarding school. Tingkatan 4 dan 5 adalah sekolah berasrama penuh, whilst form 1 to form 3 asrama harian.

Aku akan coretkan segala yang terlintas di fikiran aku semasa di sekolah campur dahulu. Dari form one to form three. Memang akui aku sebenarnya telah terjebak sejak kecik. Tetapi segalanya masih kabur di waktu itu, dan aku masih tidak bergitu aktif (was it?). Semasa aku di form one tidak banyak perkara terjadi. As a matter of fact, nothing happend. Dan, aku masih belum akil baligh, tidak pernah bermimpi basah lagi ketika itu.

Di from two, it was at almost reaching the year end, aku akil baligh. but....not from the wet dream. When i was in form two, ada seorang senior (tingkatan tiga) yang mula memegang my penis when i sleep. i cant exactly remember how it all started. Most importantly i remember first time i cum because he played with my penis.

That night, he came to me masa aku dah tido. when he touched my penis, i woke up...but i pretended still in sleep as his touched was indeed a pleasure. Azman is his name. Should i disclose his name in here? what the heck...there are so many other people with the name of Azman. Azman terus memainkan penis in a way that i never experience before. Untill i got to the climax, and i cum. After i cum, he left me. Didnt even bother to check whether i actually awake or in a sleep in that time.

After i cum, i was confused. in my mind i was thinking what is the hell that happend to me? Damn naive! aku rasa teramat nikmat when i cum, but at the same time i was questioning myself what had happend. i touched the cum, and it was sticky. i was confused and lost, but at the same time the pleasure masa pancut overwhlemed me. Dan aku sambung tido.

The next morning, i acted like there was nothing happend between me and Azman. And that was the first and the last time he touched and played my penis. I eventually realized what happend to me is what we called as onani or melancap. yes...i was molested until i cum...yes...Aku akil baligh by force......

From that moment also i know how to melancap, and the hunger for man to played my penis gone as i started melancap almost every night!

Dari form one to form three, ada lima orang lelaki yang pernah menjebakkan diri mereka with me. Not a number to be proud with.....dah yang paling aku tak akan lupa sampai mati is Mahadthir....I will write about him in different entry....in a special entry about him...

Kedua

Aku tak lembut.

Mungkin aku hanya terlebih manja.

Diawal usia aku, dan sehingga sekarang, aku tak suka, dan teramat jarang tidur sekatil, berdekatan, sebilik dengan adik beradik lelaki aku yang lain.

hm...this is something that i never tell anyone. Seriously it haunted me untill now. Honestly it did effected me in some way.

Well, time tu aku dah terbiasa dan suka bila ada lelaki lain memainkan penis aku. Dan, there was one time...i slept with my brother in one room, in the same bed. Dan....bila dah tengah malam, i felt a hand rubbing my ass. it didnt stoped there. i know it was wrong. But what do aspects from a child at that age. Morevoer my mind was already corrupted with the pleasure when a man touching me!

yes...my brother...my biological brother. let me write it in detail what happend.

At first, he just rubbing my ass. and then dia makin berani, and put his cock kat celah my ass. i didnt do anything. It was actually the first time someone touching my ass. All the while i enjoyed people playing with my penis. At the same time, i feel bad. I felt bad as i know he shouldnt do that. I am his brother, and how could he do that to me. So, i just pretend that i was sleeping. Berpura pura tido mati.

at that time, his dick really got hard. No penetration. Gile ape. He just rolled his dick up and down kat celah my ass until he cum. yes he cum in the valley of my ass! again, i was so budak kecik that time. i actually did not aware that the liquid is a man's semen! i felt weird, but i continued pretending sleeping. The next morning, both of us just pretend like there was nothing happend.

Starting from that very moment, i never sleep with him anymore. Gila. Nasib baik he didnt do more than that. Nasib baik he didnt touch my penis. If not i dont know how is my reaction! i might enjoy it, and seek for it again!

My relationship with him? well, we were not close, and even now we are not close. My brother is already married with two kids. I cant help but wonders, dia ingat ke apa yang dia buat to me? yes, it was one time only, but come on! Some people they can easily forget this kindda thing.

Entahla....being a Gay is not a blessing. Its a curse.

Being  a Gay is seronok yang sementara. Who didnt enjoy sex? Even a straight guy, if he try expereince sex with a guy, he would definitely love it. Man suck better than woman. Man's asshole is tigher that vagina. And there is no pressure to fuck hard and long fucking as to satisfy woman.

Gay life is a an enjoyable life, with so many torns, blade, traps along the way that would bleed you, making it bloody enjoyable life!

Agak kamu bagaimana ia bermula? Pertama....

aku adalah anak yang terakhir di dalam keluargaku.

Aku manja dengan ibuku.

Aku masih ingat bagaimana aku masih tidur memeluk ibuku walaupun ketika itu aku sudah di darjah 4 atau 5? Tidak dapat ku pastikan. yang pastinya...itu adalah permulaan kepada kehidupanku yang menongkah arus fitrah manusia.

Jika ditanya bagaimana aku begini, i can surely say it is because of the enviroment where i brought up.

Seingatku, di dalam umur 6 hingga 12 tahun berlaku tiga peristiwa (atau harus aku katakan perlakuanku?) yang aku tidak akan lupa.

Pertama.

Seawal umur itu, aku tidak begitu mengerti salah atau betul perbuatanku. Yang aku tahu, ianya merdatangkan satu perasaan nikmat. It was indeed a pleasure.

Ketika aku berumur di antara 6 - 12 tahun (i cant remember exactly when it all started) aku sering dikacau oleh remaja-remaja lelaki yang lebih berusia dariku. Dan ianya melibatkan fizikal. But, it didnt involved sucking or fucking. In at age, I dun think i know what sucking and fucking is!

Apa yang berlaku ialah aku akan ditangkap, dan akan dilancapkan. well, as i remember there were three of them. it happend separately. Bukan orgy ya...but one to one. and many times. Not only once. Diusia itu, aku berasa seronok apabila ada orang memainkan penisku. Of couse, i didnt cum. But it was a nice feeling when my penis erected, and ada orang yang memainkannya. At first, it was by force. Tetapi lama kelamaan, aku menjadi ketagih, and akan sengaja mencari peluang supaya mereka akan memainkan my penis.

Perkara itu berlaku di merata rata tempat. Waktu itu, kebiasaanya mereka akan menghisap rokok di kawasan gelap, dan lepak beramai-ramai. Dan aku akan lepak bersama mereka. Dan pasti akan ada yang akan datang dan memainkan penisku. As i said at first it was by force, but later on aku sendiri yang menyerahkan diriku. However, to be precise...it only involved main-main with my penis. No sucking and of couse no fucking. Dan yang peliknya i dont remember touching their penis!

hm....the worst part is, it also happend in the mosque! Aku masih ingat, di masjid itu terdapat satu corner yang gelap yang mana bebudak nakal ni akan lepak and smoking. Aku akan sengaja lalu di kawasan itu (hahaha..kecik2 dah pandai cruising ok), dan for sure akan ditangkap, dan akan dilancapkan oleh bebudak nakal tu. hm......it was wrong, but i didnt know it. All i know it was fun, it was such a nice feeling when your penis erected and ada orang yang main-main with your penis!

what happend to them? I am pretty sure they are straight people now ( i guess..all them are married). Why they like touching my penis? i dont know...i dont think i would ever know.......

Bebayangku

Aku tidak asing dengan dunia blogging.
Tetapi aku tidak pernah secara langsung "membogelkan" kehidupanku di dunia blogging.

i am getting older.

human...we are dying the moment we born. Our tiny miny brain cells could'nt afford to keep all those precious memories (whether it good, or the other way around).

Sebelum ini, aku punya kemasyuranku tersendiri di dunia blogging. Tetapi, oleh kerna aku meletakan identiti sebenarku, aku tidak punya sepenuh ruang untuk melepaskan segala apa yang aku rasa....apa yang aku alamai. well....this is a fresh start.

The very reason i am writing this blog is for me to unleash my feeling, in total disclosure! dan...kerna otakku tidak mampu menyimpan segala kenangan silam...aku akan juga menulis segala kenanganku di sini...

ini adalah kisahku yang berdosa, yang mengarus ke hulu, yang menentang arah ketentuan fitrah manusia....Contradicting the norm........

Bermula saat ini, blog ini adalah bebayangku.....bebayang ku sebagai seorang melayu, seorang gay, dah seorang insan yang menjalankan kehidupanya berbeda dengan kebiasaan satu norma...